My daughter doesn’t like scary movies, and I don’t usually like Disney princess fare. We both got over those hurdles years ago for Princess and the Frog; the first African American Disney princess was not something we were going to miss. When ads for Disney’s latest offering, Frozen, first appeared, I wasn’t particularly intrigued. But then I started hearing whispers that it was actually better-than-your-average Disney, with Idina Menzel (of Rent and Wicked fame) in one of the leads; music from the composers from Avenue Q and The Book of Mormon; and a completely empowering story for girls.

My daughter, who had already refused to see Tangled or Brave, was not interested. But when my four-and-a-half year old son demanded a movie date, and seemed inclined to watch two powerful heroines on screen, who was I to stand in the way?  I was amazed by the film… and then by our conversation in the car on the way home.

I’m going to try my best to avoid spoilers here. That said, the plot goes something like this: idyllic Nordic kingdom, lovely king and queen, two delightful princesses.  The elder of the two, Elsa, was born with the ice-and-snow version of King Midas’s golden touch. One day when they are still very young, Elsa accidentally hurts her beloved sister, Anna. To protect everyone, the king and queen arrange for Elsa to stay in her ice-encrusted bedroom until she can learn to control her power. Then—as happens in too many Disney movies to count—the parents die tragically.  The girls grow up under the same roof, but separately, until it comes time to crown Elsa as queen.  At the coronation ball, something provokes Elsa, makes her fearful, and the whole world around her begins to freeze. She flees, with enemies at her back. Her younger sister, Anna, tries to save her, but is ultimately injured when an icicle accidentally hits her heart.  Her hair starts to go white; she gets colder. The only thing that will save a frozen heart, she’s told, is an act of true love. And there I’ll stop.

My son loved the film—not least of it the adorable snowman, Olaf—and had so many questions on the way back. The most poignant of them was this:

Why was Elsa mean to Anna?

And so I began to explain that Elsa loved Anna, and did not intend to hurt her.

Have you ever accidentally hurt someone? I asked.  “Sure,” he said.  Well, some people–especially when they’re angry or fearful, like Elsa sometimes was—hurt people without realizing it.  And sometimes, we have to protect ourselves from them, even though we love them, until they learn to control themselves. But we can still love them.  We just might have to keep our distance sometimes.

In our now very extended family, we have had a few situations in which we (or our parents before us) decided to distance ourselves (or themselves) from loved ones whose behavior was unpredictable and negative, in an effort to protect children. In our adoptive family, I’m relieved to say, we have been blessed with open relationships with loving, emotionally healthy birth parents. But relationships change, and certainly not all adoptive families have that luxury to begin with. For our part, we have not been without cause for concern from the wider circle of extended family. I know many families—adoptive and otherwise—for whom I think this story might resonate, whether their Elsa is a parent and ex-, a grandparent, or someone else from whom they’ve had to create distance.

There are other lessons in the film, as well, to be sure: the deep ties of sister (or sibling) hood; taking time to make sure that a friend or new romantic interest is really “all that”; etc. But this one—that people can hurt us without meaning to, can love us and hurt us at the same time, and that it’s important to preserve our safety, while still holding the other in our hearts—is an important one for us all to remember.

With Nelson Mandela’s death this past week, we are all thinking a bit more about forgiveness, about the strength it takes to forgive and simply move forward constructively. It has been hard for me at times, but this movie helped me look at people and situations in our lives more sympathetically than I had in the past.

Elsa really couldn’t help it. She really didn’t know how to control herself. She loved, but couldn’t be sure that she wouldn’t cause harm if she drew near. In Frozen, she recognizes it and tries to isolate herself. Not all are so self-aware.

But she also learns, in the end, that where fear and anger will lead her to lose control and inflict harm, harnessing her love for others will allow her to touch them without causing pain.  May all of us, and all of our loved ones, learn this lesson well.